Walking on Eggshells

So, at the risk of being vulnerable, I'm going to be transparent and tell you all what's on my mind. Those closest to me know that I have a history of experiencing post-partum depression after having a baby. The first two times were gradual and different from the third and I've had general depression at other times in my life. After my 3rd baby, ppd hit suddenly at 5-1/2 months. I couldn't stop crying, didn't want to hold or feed my baby (though I did anyway) and wanted life to be like it was a few days before. I was thankful for that 5-1/2 months and wanted it back. I hope to soon be sharing with you, more intimately, about my walk through those dark days.

Well, my baby is 5-1/2 months. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, wondering, waiting to see if it will hit again or if this time will be different. I won't know until it hits or until my baby is 18 months old, which is when the research indicates a woman's hormones have leveled out.

I'm so thankful that I've been well and enjoyed this time with Micah. While I hate that I have ppd in my past, and maybe future, I'm thankful that I've been able to talk about it and even relate to others going through it. God comforts us in times of trouble so that we can then comfort others with the same comfort He gave us. While I can honestly say I didn't feel like He was comforting me when I was experiencing ppd, in hindsight I see how He was with me and the people He used to help me. My husband is more than awesome and a woman in church was very encouraging. My friend, Karen's, honesty with her simple words, "I'm sorry I don't know what to say or how to help you feel better" told me she cared.

Sometimes it's the little things and sometimes it's the big things that make a difference. We simply don't know how our actions or words or body language may impact someone going through a hard time. I was going to ask for prayer that I keep having good days, but then I realized that none of us knows if tomorrow is going to be a hard day. How about we just pray for each other, being kind with our words and actions towards one another? And if you know someone is going through a rough patch, love them through it even when it's hard.

Whether exercising random acts of kindness or smiling while holding the door open for someone, you can make a difference every day. How do you plan to make a difference?

A Tribute to My Mom

My mom and I were not always close. In fact, we would go from best friends to taking turns being hateful to each other. I know she remembered many of the things I said and did as a teenager because she brought them up to me from time to time and I have a hard time forgetting some of the things she said to me. Sometimes I struggle to remember the good times we had, even though I know we had good times.

I've often said that I didn't think I wanted daughters because I knew what kind of daughter I was and I didn't want my children to be anything like I was. God knows so much better than I do. (As of this writing, I have 3 daughters and am expecting a fourth child, whom we will meet in a little over a month. My oldest, "M" is almost 14, "E" is 11, and "S" is 8.) As soon as my oldest was in my arms, I said we'd have as many as we can afford and the house will hold. (Apparently God thinks our small house can hold more!)

Many of the things that I didn't like about her as a mom are some of the things that would have made her a fantastic grandmother to my daughters. My mom would sit for hours and work on crossword puzzles or watch TV. She enjoyed sewing and knitting until carpal tunnel syndrome made them too uncomfortable to enjoy. While she didn't often read for her own pleasure, she would read to children as often as she could. She had a level of patience with children that I could only dream of having. She loved other people's children so much that I often wondered if she loved them more than her own.

My mom had a grandson she loved so very much. She loved being a grandmother and loved being involved in raising him. That was the only grandchild she had the enjoyment of knowing. She passed away just three months before my oldest was conceived. While I wish she could know my children and they could know her, I am so glad that she knew her first grandchild. She was made to be a grandma.

M loves crafts. All 3 of my girls enjoy sewing. E loves to read and snuggle and lean on the person next to her. S has abundant energy and is very imaginative with her toys. She requires a lot of patience, but she also loves to just sit with me and enjoys being read to.

If my mom were alive today, I know she would be delighted to spend hours making various crafts with M and E. She would be patient with the mess and help clean up after. She would help direct their crafts to something productive. I just know my mom would sit on the couch working crossword puzzles or watching TV with E leaning on her and snuggling up to her. I doubt my mom would ever say, "OK, that's enough. Get off of me," like I have, countless times. My mom would be calm while addressing S's energy level, giving her things to do to channel that energy, and then encourage S to come sit next to her and listen to a story when it was time to wind down. Home cooked meals were important to my mom and they're important to me. My girls love to be in the kitchen and I know my mom would spend time with them, teaching them to cook for their family.

So, while I struggle to remember some of the good times I had with my mom, just knowing how she would be with my girls helps me consider how she must have been with me, before my rough teenage years. I don't wish I were exactly like my mom, but I sure wish I were more like her in many ways.

On this Mother's Day, I hope all you mothers are enjoying your children. They are the reason you have the privilege of being celebrated today. I hope your children also appreciate you. Happy Mother's Day!