Mirror, mirror on the wall

I need to write this and YOU need to read this. Yes, YOU. Because if you've never been affected by this, someone you know has. Share this with them. If you don't have time to read the whole thing, please skip to the last 2 paragraphs.

A few days ago I was reading through my Facebook news feed and a friend shared a happy picture of herself holding her adorable new kittens. The smile on her face was contagious as she shared her new loveables with her Facebook friends. As I read her brief post, the words jumped off the screen, "Ignore my fat arms," and tears instantly welled in my eyes. I gasped to myself. "She thinks her arms are fat," is all I could helplessly and sadly think. I wanted to call her on the phone. I wanted to pull her near and hug her tightly.

I replied to her with the following: "I am saddened that you felt the need to comment on your arms. You are beautiful, inside and out. No need to point out something that you think is a flaw when others will see beauty. I understand that we are our own worst critic, but distorted body image is a real thing. You are beautiful no matter what your size and shape and I hope you are comfortable with it. Most people would have looked at this picture and not given your arms a second thought. Clearly, they are strong arms that are made for raising boys, maintaining a home, and carrying the load that goes with teaching a classroom full of students who are learning to carry this world forward."

I'm pretty sure you and I both know her thoughts don't stop with her arms, though. Mine didn't years ago. Most women and some men have, at one time or another, thought about their thighs, their tummy, their butt, their arms ... always too big, right? My grandmother used to tell me I needed to gain a little weight because I was too thin, but I clearly remember seeing myself in the mirror and I didn't see myself as too thin. There it is, right there, looking back at me: distorted body image. Why is it that we see ourselves as fat, no matter how we look? I'm not even comparing, saying "I was fat compared to ..." Nope. I saw a lie in the mirror.

My friend shared that hers started in high school when "some jerk boy" nick named her "AMA" short for Amazon. She was devastated!! I, too, remember the moment my image of myself changed. My mom had bought me a pair of pants that I wanted so badly. They ere too long, so I put them away for a while. Then I hit puberty. Surely those pants would fit now that I was taller (don't laugh, we all know I didn't get THAT much taller, as I'm only 5'.) I excitedly tried those pants on and couldn't even get them pulled up one leg. My legs had gotten wider! The pants were way too small. I was embarrassed, even though no one was with me, and I was mad and sad. I shoved those pants into the back corner of my closet to be forgotten about forever. Except they weren't forgotten. They were still the pants that I'd grown out of before I could wear them. Add to this the time a boy in high school asked me why my legs were so big and a girl close to our family used to call me fat just because we didn't get along. I barely weighed 100 pounds, but my thighs have always been strong and wide. These memories would haunt me for decades, just as my friend likely still hears that boy's voice in her head.

See, here's what we don't realize in our teenage brains: Some people are still growing, while some have reached their height, their bodies are still reaching maturity. Some people are taller or shorter than others. Some people are built to be more muscular and others will never have defined muscles no matter how hard they try. Some people have tighter or looser tendons and ligaments, which affect their shape. Most of these factors are genetic, like height, eye and hair color, bone size and strength, toe length, ear shape, and much more.

It didn't occur to me then that those thighs I wanted to be narrower would walk me through the streets of Chicago while in college and after. Why wait for a bus if you can get there just as fast while walking, or walk until you catch a bus or walk to the bus stop? It didn't occur to me then that those thighs would carry me up and down countless flights of stairs when I worked in the lab and ER and we didn't have time to wait for an elevator. It didn't occur to me then that those thighs would carry 4 babies, individually, to term and keep me moving and caring for my family through each pregnancy. I didn't have to build up strength or endurance; I already had it.

With each pregnancy I held on to a little weight after and I saw it. I still do. But something changed between my third and fourth pregnancies. I began to see myself as an adult woman. I'll never again have a teenage body. I'll never again wear those sizes. That's ok because this body is able to things my 11-year old body couldn't. This body can carry a 25-pound little boy on a hip for hours. This body can carry a 65-pound tween on her back. This body has produced milk to nourish and build immune systems for 4 children beyond the toddler years. This body has been able to walk miles and miles for fitness and sanity. This body can stand for hours washing dishes and cooking. This body doesn't need to be fewer pounds. With every year that goes by, my body changes. Guess what? It's done that since I was born and yours has, too. Your 10-year old body was different from your 5-year old body. Your 15-year old body was even more different. And 20? More different still. It's supposed to be that way.

I can now see myself in the mirror for who I am. I am content with my body image, my clothes being larger than they were a couple years ago.

What I really want you to hear, and lean in because I love you and care deeply about you, is this: I understand. I, too, have a memory of when I first became aware of body image. It stinks, but recognize it for what it is. A lie. Satan wants you to hang on to that lie and forget that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He wants you to forget that you were created in the image of God. Second, that boy or girl, who said something that introduced you to the lie, had limited experience and vocabulary based on his age and education at the time. You'd probably recently hit a growth spurt, out of your control, and that person had no idea the long-term ramifications of the comment. Chances are he or she would feel terrible today if they knew that it affected you for so long, especially if they have a daughter or a son who has a distorted sense of body image. Forgive that person and let it go. Believe what the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

I'm praying today for everyone who will read this, for that memory to fade, for God to replace it with TRUTH and His image of you, and for that comment or memory or image or whatever grips you to be insignificant to you. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4 

Walking on Eggshells

So, at the risk of being vulnerable, I'm going to be transparent and tell you all what's on my mind. Those closest to me know that I have a history of experiencing post-partum depression after having a baby. The first two times were gradual and different from the third and I've had general depression at other times in my life. After my 3rd baby, ppd hit suddenly at 5-1/2 months. I couldn't stop crying, didn't want to hold or feed my baby (though I did anyway) and wanted life to be like it was a few days before. I was thankful for that 5-1/2 months and wanted it back. I hope to soon be sharing with you, more intimately, about my walk through those dark days.

Well, my baby is 5-1/2 months. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, wondering, waiting to see if it will hit again or if this time will be different. I won't know until it hits or until my baby is 18 months old, which is when the research indicates a woman's hormones have leveled out.

I'm so thankful that I've been well and enjoyed this time with Micah. While I hate that I have ppd in my past, and maybe future, I'm thankful that I've been able to talk about it and even relate to others going through it. God comforts us in times of trouble so that we can then comfort others with the same comfort He gave us. While I can honestly say I didn't feel like He was comforting me when I was experiencing ppd, in hindsight I see how He was with me and the people He used to help me. My husband is more than awesome and a woman in church was very encouraging. My friend, Karen's, honesty with her simple words, "I'm sorry I don't know what to say or how to help you feel better" told me she cared.

Sometimes it's the little things and sometimes it's the big things that make a difference. We simply don't know how our actions or words or body language may impact someone going through a hard time. I was going to ask for prayer that I keep having good days, but then I realized that none of us knows if tomorrow is going to be a hard day. How about we just pray for each other, being kind with our words and actions towards one another? And if you know someone is going through a rough patch, love them through it even when it's hard.

Whether exercising random acts of kindness or smiling while holding the door open for someone, you can make a difference every day. How do you plan to make a difference?

A Tribute to My Mom

My mom and I were not always close. In fact, we would go from best friends to taking turns being hateful to each other. I know she remembered many of the things I said and did as a teenager because she brought them up to me from time to time and I have a hard time forgetting some of the things she said to me. Sometimes I struggle to remember the good times we had, even though I know we had good times.

I've often said that I didn't think I wanted daughters because I knew what kind of daughter I was and I didn't want my children to be anything like I was. God knows so much better than I do. (As of this writing, I have 3 daughters and am expecting a fourth child, whom we will meet in a little over a month. My oldest, "M" is almost 14, "E" is 11, and "S" is 8.) As soon as my oldest was in my arms, I said we'd have as many as we can afford and the house will hold. (Apparently God thinks our small house can hold more!)

Many of the things that I didn't like about her as a mom are some of the things that would have made her a fantastic grandmother to my daughters. My mom would sit for hours and work on crossword puzzles or watch TV. She enjoyed sewing and knitting until carpal tunnel syndrome made them too uncomfortable to enjoy. While she didn't often read for her own pleasure, she would read to children as often as she could. She had a level of patience with children that I could only dream of having. She loved other people's children so much that I often wondered if she loved them more than her own.

My mom had a grandson she loved so very much. She loved being a grandmother and loved being involved in raising him. That was the only grandchild she had the enjoyment of knowing. She passed away just three months before my oldest was conceived. While I wish she could know my children and they could know her, I am so glad that she knew her first grandchild. She was made to be a grandma.

M loves crafts. All 3 of my girls enjoy sewing. E loves to read and snuggle and lean on the person next to her. S has abundant energy and is very imaginative with her toys. She requires a lot of patience, but she also loves to just sit with me and enjoys being read to.

If my mom were alive today, I know she would be delighted to spend hours making various crafts with M and E. She would be patient with the mess and help clean up after. She would help direct their crafts to something productive. I just know my mom would sit on the couch working crossword puzzles or watching TV with E leaning on her and snuggling up to her. I doubt my mom would ever say, "OK, that's enough. Get off of me," like I have, countless times. My mom would be calm while addressing S's energy level, giving her things to do to channel that energy, and then encourage S to come sit next to her and listen to a story when it was time to wind down. Home cooked meals were important to my mom and they're important to me. My girls love to be in the kitchen and I know my mom would spend time with them, teaching them to cook for their family.

So, while I struggle to remember some of the good times I had with my mom, just knowing how she would be with my girls helps me consider how she must have been with me, before my rough teenage years. I don't wish I were exactly like my mom, but I sure wish I were more like her in many ways.

On this Mother's Day, I hope all you mothers are enjoying your children. They are the reason you have the privilege of being celebrated today. I hope your children also appreciate you. Happy Mother's Day!

Learning to Live When You're Highly Distractable

I don't know if any of my children have ADD or ADHD, but I do know that seeing a task through from start to finish doesn't happen easily for any of them and there are a number of family members who have taken medication to increase their attention spans. Child A is getting much better at it with maturity. Child B and has been learning to cope with it and her focus has improved somewhat, while Child C is oblivious to the need to pay attention to anything for any given time.

Just a few evenings ago, Child B was looking forward to playing a game on loan from the library. She had it in her hand at one moment and it was lost the next. Of course, it was due the next day, so if she didn't find it soon there would be late fees and maybe a replacement fee involved. This poor kid looked everywhere, retracing her steps several time. She even put something of similar size in her hand and retraced her steps to see if there were someplace she had been where it may have been difficult to hold on to it, like climbing up or down the bunk bed. She really put a lot of thought into how it may have been lost. After praying a number of times and fretting herself to sleep, we finally found it mid-morning the following day.

I consider it huge progress in maturity and interest in changing habits when Child B recognizes a problem with her behavior and takes action to change it. Today, she had a DVD in her hand and by the time she reached the player to insert it, she had lost the DVD. This is a regular occurrence in our house, as you can see by the game incident earlier this week. Frequently, she will blame her younger sister for moving whatever it was she lost, but this time she knew it was in her hand and no one took it from her. She still hasn't found it, but found another she wanted to watch in place of it. As she put the case away, she stated aloud, "I'm putting the DVD on top of these other movies. I heard on the radio that if you have trouble remembering where you put things, it helps to say it out loud."

Not only did she hear about a behavior and recognize that she, herself, has the same difficulty, she listened to a recommended solution and decided to try it out. In this instance, it worked. She remembered after putting the case away where she had placed the movie. If you have a child who struggles with learning how to change behavior, you know how much I feel like celebrating!

Do you or your children struggle with paying attention or remembering?
What non-medication techniques have you found to be helpful?

Creative Solutions (Discipline)

I haven't forgotten to resume my series on Sensory Processing Disorder. The next part up will be on discipline. Of course, as soon as I decide to write about something as challenging as discipline, I start being challenged in that very area. No surprise, right? Bare with me, please. It will come soon.

In the mean time, I'll share how life application works in our house.

Child A's writing assignment was to identify something she doesn't like about herself and what she could do to change it, with the detail on how she could make that change. She's a pretty self-confident young lady, so I expected this to be a bit of a challenge. She's also pretty slick about finding the easy way of completing a task. It was no surprise to me when she said she had nothing at all she'd change; she's happy with who she is.

Fast-forward a couple hours to a quick trip into the grocery store to buy 1 thing that would be a universal staple for dinner this week as we have 1 night of gymnastics and 3 softball games (read: quick, easy dinners that everyone will eat.) Not even far enough into the store to make my selection did a fight break out over the grocery cart. Child A and Child C screaming and striking at each other and me in the middle to separate them brought us right back out of the store without said staple for dinner. Lovely. Kinda puts me in a bind, right? One might think so, but this is a creative momma with creative consequences. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

On the way home, we talked about behavior. How might each child have responded differently to each other in this situation? Who is the older child and how old did she act? At almost 12, did she like her behavior and how this situation turned out? Guess who now has something to write about for her assignment?

As an added bonus, the two "fighters" can work together to come up with something we already have in the house, that everyone will eat, for dinner. If they don't, they will go without dinner and the rest of us will eat leftovers (which is also fine with me because there are still consequences being enforced for the two who interfered with dinner plans.) Creative solution.

As an added bonus, they both have to contribute their allowance to the gas used to go back to that store at a later time without them.

How do you discipline creatively and effectively?

Couponing: a verb with a giveaway

Winners announced:

tobyjilek3

dtbailey23

Congratulations! I am emailing you both momentarily. Please watch your inboxes and spam folders. Janet Joplin, you are doing an amazing thing by helping the people of Joplin, MO, recover from the devastating tornado last May. I am also contacting you about the couponing workshop.

I'm not sure when "using coupons" became shortened to "couponing" and "saving on a grocery bill" became "paying only pennies for groceries." There was a time 30 years ago or so when I remember my mom telling me about people who clipped coupons and bought in bulk, using those coupons, and they saved a lot of money and didn't pay that much. I don't think this is a new thing. Our knowledge of it has expanded through the media and reality television, but I think it's been happening for a long time.

Are you in on the action? I have a coupon binder and I read a few blogs that highlight various "hot deals" throughout the week. I save some money, but I certainly spend more on groceries than I save. I don't know a single store in my area that doubles coupons, with the exception of K-Mart, if your purchase exceeds $25. That's why I'm attending a "Super-Couponing(R)" event at West Suburban Community Church in Elmhurst, Illinois. If you're local, you may want to know about this. Here is what the flier says:

"Join Jill Cataldo at a workshop to learn how to maximize your grocery savings and purchase hundreds of dollars of groceries for just pennies.

West Suburban Community Church
825 N. Van Auken, Elmhurst, IL

You need to purchase a ticket for this event!
$5 in advance - or $10 day of the event

Sorry, childcare is not available for young children...
... however, kids in K-5th grade are welcome to join our
Kids 4 Truth Club that night at the church, free of charge!
[children attending must arrive and be registered by 6:45 pm]

Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Workshop starts PROMPTLY at 7:00pm
Arrive by 6:45pm for Kids 4 Truth and Door Prizes!

Seating is limited!!
Purchase tickets at: That Coffee Shop 124 W. Park, Elmhurst -or-
West Suburban Community Church 825 W. Van Auken, Elmhurst"

Proceeds from this event will benefit the children's ministry at
West Suburban Community Church
Super-Couponing(R) is a registered trademark
of Super-Couponing, LLC and Jill Cataldo

You can attend by purchasing your ticket according to the above information.

Giveaway
Wait. Didn't I say something about a giveaway? Yes, I did. I've never done this before on my blog, so it's a first for me. I bought these tickets myself, so that's should be disclosure enough. No one gave them to me, there is no promotion or free anything that I received in doing this. If I have more giveaways, I will have to look further into this whole disclosure thing.

How To Enter
I am giving away 1 ticket to 2 different people (1 ticket each). To enter, leave me a comment and be sure to leave your email address for me to contact you. This contest ends on Sunday, March 18, 2012, at 12:00 noon central time. Sometime that afternoon, I will randomly draw 2 winners (1 ticket each) based on the comments using Random.org. Winners will have 24 hours to reply back to me or I will re-select winner(s).

Please do not enter if you are not local and will not be able to attend.

Sensory Processing Disorder: What has helped our kids

This is the second in my Sensory Processing Disorder Series. The first post can be found here.

In the first post, I gave you a glimpse of what SPD looks - or feels - like in our family. I failed to mention that often times a person will have qualities from both the seeking and aversive lists, they are not exclusive of each other, although one list may be more prevalent than the other.

You might be reading this just to become more aware of SPD or gain a better understanding of it. You might be reading this because someone you know has SPD. If you are reading this because you or one of you children might have SPD, then you might like to know what has been helpful for other people with SPD. I honestly don't know if there is a way to "recover" from SPD or if a person just has to learn to live with it. In this post I will share with you what we've done and what has been helpful.

Please understand that the same things don't work for each person and there is much trial and error. I will do my best to remember what we've tried, what's worked, and what hasn't. Again, I am not an expert, but rather I'm a mom to three daughters, two of whom have SPD.

Being aware of what a child is doing and why they may be doing it is a key element in helping a child with SPD. Child B used to climb; in fact, she climbed before she crawled. If she could pull herself up, she'd climb. Yes, there have been times she's gotten higher that her own comfort level and needed help down. It took a while for us to notice that she climbed when she was over-whelmed or over-stimulated. If there were a lot of people in a room and she didn't have another place to go, she'd climb as high as she could. Once when she was covered in mosquito bites, she climbed to get away from the itching, although she didn't even feel the itching on her skin. Once we realized that she climbed under these circumstances, we learned to take a look around at what might be bothering her so we could address that need first. Now, as a 9-year old, she climbs for fun and enjoys it.

The basic list of what we've done, without getting into the specifics of why or what it has helped (because that would be a book) follows:

• A small plastic tub of beans for playing in (hands only, though the same could be done for feet)


• A small plastic tub of rice for playing in (hands only, though the same could be done for feet)


• Play with shaving cream or pudding or jello


• Water play in the tub and sink


• Lots of activity outside - running, climbing, swinging, hanging upside down


• We installed a chin-up bar that screws into a door frame. It's low, so we have to duck under it to go in and out of that room, but the kids use it as in gymnastics


• Gymnastics and swimming (if you have a boy, wrestling is another option)


• Doing activities in small doses, being willing to cut something short if needed (getting used to that expectation is hard, but worth it to help these kids)


• Letting the child wear what is comfortable, even when it's not what we wanted her to wear. (B wore sweats for a couple years, while C wore short skirts or no underwear under her pants. C was willing to give up sledding one winter when she wouldn't wear pants at all.) Avoid things that are "too loose" or "too tight", according to the child


• Using velcro-type shoes or crocs instead of shoes with laces, which put more pressure on the top of the foot


• Strong hugs (or light hugs)


• Rubbing the arms and legs with varying amounts of pressure


• Back and neck massages


• Ankle weights


• Weighted vest, blanket, lap pad, or heavy afghan


• Body sock, even if your child doesn't have an autism diagnosis


• Try different flavors of toothpaste and use whichever one the child tolerates


• Foamy soaps and lotions, regular lotions


• Candle or fragrance swatch to keep in the coat pocket (or your purse) for when odors are offensive - these kids can have a hyper sense of smell


• Keep ear plugs in your purse


• Line pockets with soft fabric


• Playing "pizza" (the child lies on the floor or bed and you roll them back and forth like the child is the dough. Lie the child flat on the back, press firmly on the forehead and work your way down their body (avoiding any personal places for obvious reasons), ending at the feet - like you're patting out the dough. "Spread sauce" by using a lighter touch than working with the dough, starting at the head and working your way down to the feet. Then ask which ingredients the child likes on the pizza. Add those ingredients like your just putting them on the pizza, touching them firmly each time you put an ingredient on. Then sprinkle the cheese by using wiggly fingers starting at the top of the head and working your way down to the feet. Roll the child away a bit, as if putting the pizza in the oven. Then roll the child back and pretend to eat the child. Kids love this and usually laugh their way through it.


• Carrying or pushing heavy things as a calming activity (filling and moving the laundry basket, filling the washer, and moving wet clothes to the dryer!) Moving books from one bookcase to another is another option. Pulling a wagon.


• Audio books or calm with headphones when it's OK to tune everything out and need to calm down


• Tug-of-war

External resources we've used:
Speech therapy for annunciation and feeding concerns
Occupational therapy for desensitization (where we learned much of what's on the list) and proper muscle tone (not one of our concerns, but is common in SPD)
Wilbarger Brushing Protocol (trained at OT and continued at home, even still using)
Chiropractics and neuro-retraining

I strongly encourage a parent to include the child by asking the child what is bothering them, if they even know, and working with that. I explain to the child why we are doing a particular activity so they can learn what to do when they feel a certain way and self-regulate. We are still working on getting our sensory-aversive daughter (C) through this. I think it's much easier to meet the sensory needs of a seeker than an aversive child. After all, if someone needs something, providing it meets that need. If someone can't stand something, then doing it anyway is very offensive to the child and their tolerance is very low. It takes more time, more energy, more patience, and smaller chunks of therapy.

Be sure to encourage an praise your child every time you do something therapeutic that they tolerated. Recognize their attempt if they didn't tolerate it well. It's hard work for these kids (and you) and progress can be slow. Don't give up and don't let your child give up.

One of the most important things, in my opinion, for a parent of a child with SPD is to find other parents of children with SPD. It helps to be able to exchange ideas and lend/receive support from one another. It truly is exhausting. When B was a toddler, I found some Yahoo groups of other SPD parents. Being a part of those networks was critical for me at that time. My days were very lonely and frustrating, working with my daughter and wondering if there was something wrong with her or me because life was so different than it was when A was that same age. It's important to accept this difference as your own "normal." Wanting your child to be like non-SPD kids is only going to set you and your child, both, up for failure. God made them who they are and He doesn't make mistakes. You are a strong person and He trusts you to trust Him to help your child learn to live with SPD.

Next in this series:
Sensory Processing Disorder: Discipline
Sensory Processing Disorder: Recommendations